It's weird, it really, really is. You've been gone over a year now (one year, two months, twenty days...not that anyone's keeping track) & at the strangest times, I could swear to God you're still here. Like I completely expect you to come busting through my door 100% unannounced or track me down at school to inform me we've lost our notebook again & we need to track it down before all hell breaks lose. I don't know what part of you got stuck here with me, but it hasn't left, after all this time.
When you first left I was so angry. I tried to be supportive, I really did. & I knew it was what was best for you. But in some selfish, harsh part of my mind I couldn't forgive you for leaving me. You were the number one person in my life, & the best friend I'd ever had, & you left. It took me months to get over myself enough to see that this was better, for both of us. You got the chance for a new start, one that people in your life, or your past had kept you from here. I got the chance to make a name for myself, without hiding behind you.
& I accepted it. I have accepted it. I've gotten to the point where I miss you, God, I miss you so much, but I've come to understand that this is better, for both of us. & I'm grateful that we both got what we needed.
But at times, totally & utterly unexpectedly, it still hurts. It hurts a lot. I miss you so much that it actually aches. We went through so much. More then I think anyone around us will ever, or could ever understand. Because we relyed on each other. That year, when I was forteen & you were fifteen, you probably went through about five times as much as me, but I think I needed you more. & I still need you. I still need the person who could cheer me up no matter what, who I felt infinite & untouchable whenever they were around, who could always help me figure out what I needed to, when you didn't even know what you needed yourself. I still question how I get along now without you.
The answer is I grew up. & you grew up too, 600 miles away. I learned how to be my own person, & figured out a way at looking at life through my own eyes, not through yours. I learned that I couldn't always rely on other people to be exactly where I needed them when I needed them, I needed to take care of myself. I learned that sometimes in life, no one is going to be on your side, & you're going to be alone. & I learned things about you. Things I never could have seen when you were so close. I saw a good in you that I never appreciated because I was too busy being sick with envy over all the qualities you flaunted for the world to see, then really looking behind all that at who was inside you. & mostly, above all, I never saw how much you really, really needed this escape to survive until you were gone. & I should have. From the very begining, from the moment you left, i should have known this was right.
But even with all this, all that I've learned & all that we've change: I still need you. I have a bond with you I couldn't start to explain, & even if I got it all out, in the right, most clear words, the world probably still wouldn't understand.
& I don't care. Because I love you. So much. I love who you were then, who you are now, who you're becoming, & everything in between. I'll never stop feeling blessed for having you as my best friend. You're beautiful in every single way, & you deserve to have the most incredible life anyone could ask for. Never doubt yourself. & never forget, that even though you left, things changed, we changed, & nothing is like it was two years ago, you & I will always be the same. You are my best friend & so much more. I'll always be here, I swear, no matter what, forever.
"When the sun shines, we'll shine together, told you I'd be here forever, said I'd always be your friend; took an oath, I'm a stick it out till the end. Now that it's raining more than ever, know how it feels to have each other, you can stand under my umbrella, you can stand under my umbrella."-Rihanna
When you first left I was so angry. I tried to be supportive, I really did. & I knew it was what was best for you. But in some selfish, harsh part of my mind I couldn't forgive you for leaving me. You were the number one person in my life, & the best friend I'd ever had, & you left. It took me months to get over myself enough to see that this was better, for both of us. You got the chance for a new start, one that people in your life, or your past had kept you from here. I got the chance to make a name for myself, without hiding behind you.
& I accepted it. I have accepted it. I've gotten to the point where I miss you, God, I miss you so much, but I've come to understand that this is better, for both of us. & I'm grateful that we both got what we needed.
But at times, totally & utterly unexpectedly, it still hurts. It hurts a lot. I miss you so much that it actually aches. We went through so much. More then I think anyone around us will ever, or could ever understand. Because we relyed on each other. That year, when I was forteen & you were fifteen, you probably went through about five times as much as me, but I think I needed you more. & I still need you. I still need the person who could cheer me up no matter what, who I felt infinite & untouchable whenever they were around, who could always help me figure out what I needed to, when you didn't even know what you needed yourself. I still question how I get along now without you.
The answer is I grew up. & you grew up too, 600 miles away. I learned how to be my own person, & figured out a way at looking at life through my own eyes, not through yours. I learned that I couldn't always rely on other people to be exactly where I needed them when I needed them, I needed to take care of myself. I learned that sometimes in life, no one is going to be on your side, & you're going to be alone. & I learned things about you. Things I never could have seen when you were so close. I saw a good in you that I never appreciated because I was too busy being sick with envy over all the qualities you flaunted for the world to see, then really looking behind all that at who was inside you. & mostly, above all, I never saw how much you really, really needed this escape to survive until you were gone. & I should have. From the very begining, from the moment you left, i should have known this was right.
But even with all this, all that I've learned & all that we've change: I still need you. I have a bond with you I couldn't start to explain, & even if I got it all out, in the right, most clear words, the world probably still wouldn't understand.
& I don't care. Because I love you. So much. I love who you were then, who you are now, who you're becoming, & everything in between. I'll never stop feeling blessed for having you as my best friend. You're beautiful in every single way, & you deserve to have the most incredible life anyone could ask for. Never doubt yourself. & never forget, that even though you left, things changed, we changed, & nothing is like it was two years ago, you & I will always be the same. You are my best friend & so much more. I'll always be here, I swear, no matter what, forever.
"When the sun shines, we'll shine together, told you I'd be here forever, said I'd always be your friend; took an oath, I'm a stick it out till the end. Now that it's raining more than ever, know how it feels to have each other, you can stand under my umbrella, you can stand under my umbrella."-Rihanna
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